


Raffles Week 2021

by unwillingadventurer



Category: Raffles (TV 1977), Raffles - E. W. Hornung
Genre: Rafflesweek2021
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-16 03:20:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29943711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unwillingadventurer/pseuds/unwillingadventurer
Comments: 20
Kudos: 8





	1. Person in Sequins

‘The Hungry Cat’ was a crowded public house in the backstreets of some god forsaken area of Whitechapel which could not be more different from the elegance and refinery of Raffles’ Albany rooms. From floor to ceiling of the inn were dirty and battered old tiles and there was a blue and white floral mural painted onto one of the walls which had been ravaged by smoke and ale and had lost the prettiness it once possessed. 

There in one of the small wooden booths sat Raffles and I, like two sailors who had just come to shore with more than beer on their minds. For I it was a chance to be in a part of the city one never wanders to but for Raffles there was of course another reason. With Raffles there was always another reason. We sat in casual suits, workers' jackets and flat caps atop our heads. We muddied our cheeks and our hands, even blacking our fingernails to blend in.

“We’re meeting my fence here with any luck,” he whispered to me as he handed me a pint of beer. “Normally I wouldn’t bring you along but seeing as you’re so eager to get out for the night, I thought why not?”

“I was darned bored, that’s for certain.”

“That you were, a restless little cuss. And my new fence, is I hear, a frequenter of this place.”

“So was Jack the Ripper…probably,” I said, taking a deep breath as I tried not to take in the smell of body odour.

Raffles looked around for this fence the way other fellows were looking for women. For those men— the sailors, home from sea, and hard-working ordinary men, they knew what they wanted, their eyes wide, their body’s full of booze, their relief and needs ready to be met— a reward for the tough lives they led. 

Raffles knew what he wanted too. He wanted not the relief of a drink or the company of a woman but instead the treasure. He had stolen this treasure and now he wanted to exchange said treasure for money in kind. We sat quite a while in that booth waiting for the mysterious new fence and in that time, we were forced to watch a thin creature of the female persuasion prancing about on stage, every so often flashing her legs and pouting her lips which were caked in red—some of the shade on her teeth rather than her lips.

“Pretty little thing,” Raffles said, glancing around at the sailors who mainly were whooping and cheering with their jaws almost to the ground.

“I’m not sure about her singing voice.”

“Most chaps aren’t here to hear her dulcet tones, my dear Bunny.”

I laughed. “No, I think not.”

Lighting a cigarette—this time not a Sullivan—far too extravagant a brand for two ordinary fellows—he took a puff and then let the cigarette dangle from his mouth as he stared open-mouthed at the bar.

“What is it, A.J?” I asked, trying to see but there was a hefty tattooed fellow blocking my eyeline. He was built like a wall.

“I never would’ve believed such a thing if my eyes were not here to see this wonderous sight.”

“What sight?”

He ignored me and rubbed his hands together gleefully. “Guess?”

“Oh, A.J, don’t be so infuriating and just tell me!” I slammed my flagon onto the table sending some of the liquid over its rim.

“Quiet, Bunny, we don’t want the Inspector to see us.”

I gulped. “Inspector?”

“Yes, if I’m not mistaken and I rarely am— under that sailor’s hat, striped jersey and flannel trousers is none other than our dear Inspector Mackenzie.”

I attempted to stand up to take a look but he pulled me back down by my sleeve.

“He’s not?!” I discreetly instead looked over to the bar and true enough, under a rather unflattering disguise the Inspector stood, conversing with a group of sailors as if they were old friends.

“Now we know why my fence is late,” Raffles said.

“Ah, you mean one look at Inspector Mackenzie and he bolted?”

“Sound reasoning, Bunny. One look at him and he walked the plank right out of here. He’s not doing a very good job of blending in, the Inspector, is he?”

“Like a fish out of water.”

“You can take the Inspector out of Scotland Yard but you can never take Scotland Yard out of the Inspector. He may not be wearing an Inverness cape but nonetheless he has that air of detection about him.”

“Which is why we should leave.”

“Not yet, Bunny.”

“Why?”

“The fence hasn’t shown and won’t now the law’s here.” 

“What if he spots us?”

“Nothing to incriminate us. The jewels aren’t on my person.”

“But this place? Not exactly our scene. And our clothes!”

“Too late now, Bunny, he’s seen us. He’s coming over.”

There was a cough as Mackenzie appeared at the table and his eyes narrowed suspiciously at us in turn. “Mr. Raffles, Mr. Manders.”

“Good heavens, Bunny, it’s Inspector Mackenzie!”

Mackenzie pressed his finger to his lip. “Quiet, Mr. Raffles, I’m undercover.”

“Are you?” Raffles said as though enormously surprised.

“We never would’ve known,” I said innocently.

Mackenzie rolled his eyes upwards. “I’m wearing sailor’s garb, Mr. Manders.”

“So you are,” Raffles said with a grin. “How rather fetching. Do you often frequent such public houses to catch criminal kinds?”

“I go where need be, Mr. Raffles. And what may I ask may you be doing here in this wee part of the city?” He looked at our clothes, examining how dressed-down we were, how unsuited as gentlemen to be drinking in such a place.

“I’m writing an article,” I spluttered without thinking. “It’s about…seedy establishments.”

“Really? And what are your findings thus far, Mr. Manders?”

I caught Raffles smirking into his jacket as I continued, Mackenzie’s suspicious eyes scanning me.

“I’ve found it is rather…unsavoury.”

“That it is.” Mackenzie looked to the right, frowning at the sight of two women sitting on the laps of two men and laughing loudly. “And your article needs your friend, Mr. Raffles to assist, does it?”

Raffles smiled. “Always better with two wouldn’t you say Inspector…sorry…Mackenzie?”

To our surprise and my annoyance, Mackenzie suddenly sat down at the table next to us.

“Aye I suppose I can sit down here for a while, rest my feet. Those sailors are exhausting.”

“Sailor you’re after, for the crime is it?” Raffles asked and I kicked him under the table.

“I cannae discuss police matters with you,” he whispered, looking around him, ever on alert.

“Shame. Bunny has a good eye for the criminal type.”

I kicked his shin a second time but it was Mackenzie who yelped. 

“Mr. Manders, why on earth are you kicking me under the table?”

“I’m dreadfully sorry, Inspector, I had a leg spasm of some kind,” I lied quickly.

“Kindly refrain from it in future. And what did Mr. Raffles mean you have a good eye?”

“I’m a writer,” I said nervously. “I’m good at understanding people.”

“In another life, Bunny could’ve been a criminal himself, but he’s far too much of a gentleman for that, wouldn’t you say, Mackenzie?” Raffles glanced at the Inspector.

I didn’t know if I was blushing but I felt my face heat up with either embarrassment or fury and I either wanted the ground to swallow me or to wrestle Raffles right there and then.

But Mackenzie merely snorted and then stood up abruptly, looking at his pocket watch. “I must be going back to my observations. This person of interest may still arrive.”

“Person of interest?” Raffles asked.

“Yes, my person in sequins,” he let slip. He dashed away after realising his error in revealing the name and I saw him disappear to the bar.

“Person in sequins?” I asked. “What’s that all about?”

Raffles wiped his chin of beery foam and slapped me on the back. “He won’t be seeing the person in sequins any time tonight, my dear Rabbit.”

“Whyever not?”

“Because the person in sequins is my fence, Bunny.”

“They are? Why are they called ‘person in sequins?’”

“Because they dazzle, Bunny, because they dazzle.”


	2. Pearl's Court

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For this prompt of Raffles Week- 'Between stars and chimney-stacks – Earl’s Court'

The first time we met Alfie was down at the market in the East End where he worked as a Coster with a rickety handcart laden with an assortment of colourful fruit and vegetables. The street itself was ordinary and drab, a palette of browns and greys, but Alfie stood out because he was the one wearing a black jacket covered in hundreds of mother-of-pearl buttons. My eyes were immediately drawn to him in this smart black coat and the trousers which were transformed with shimmering embellishment as they glistened under the rays of the sun. 

As Raffles and I journeyed the streets as Mr. Maturin and his nurse, we were instantly drawn to Alfie who stood like a showman at his cart, and I could see Raffles’ eyes were mesmerised by the sight of a man who amongst the rags and dirt of the street was dressed like the king of the market. The other men around him wore simple attire, ready for a daily grind and the unpredictable British weather that would greet them, but Alfie was different, he looked refined and bejewelled— a top hat placed regally upon his head.

“Bunny, take me to that cart,” Raffles said from the bathchair. “I must meet that magnificent fellow.”

And so I wheeled him over to the side of the road where Alfie stood calling to his customers, beckoning them with his charm and cheery nature. 

“’ello gentlemen,” he said, “’ow’s about some nice apples for ya today?” 

Raffles slowly stood up from his chair and steadied himself for show against my arm. “Good morning young man,” he said in his Australian accent to keep up the pretence. “I must say you do look rather kingly.”

“Thanks, mate,” he replied. “I aint the only one to dress like this and you aint the first what noticed but Alfie’s my name and it sure does brighten things up. Raises a bit of funds too.”

“You raise money for charity?” I asked, nearing closer to him.

“If I can. So an apple for sir and sir was it?” He juggled three apples in his hands.

“Oh yes please, if we may,” I replied, still staring at his suit in wonderment. “We’ll have a bag full of your juiciest red apples.”

He tossed some apples into a bag and then threw it gently into my hands.

“Seeing as you’re such a polite fella,” he said, staring at me in a moment that felt he was staring into my soul, “you can ‘ave an extra one for luck.”

I bristled like a peacock, suddenly feeling very aware of how I looked and wanting to check a mirror immediately. I couldn’t really see Raffles’ face but I had a feeling he’d be amused at my awkwardness. I paid for the fruit and we continued to watch him as I wheeled Raffles away.

…

On the long way back to Earl’s Court, we spoke of little else but that friendly costermonger dressed in the suit decorated with mother-of-pearl buttons which made him dazzle and shine. By the time evening fell and Dr. Theobald had left us alone, we sat upon the roof and stared up at the stars the way we did most evenings, in our suits, wrapped in our capes for extra warmth and glamour. Raffles always said that just because it was we two, there was no reason not to be dressed well. And just like the two of us, wrapped in our regal capes, ready for anything— our conversation inevitably drifted back to that beautifully dressed market man once more.

“A suit full of jewels would look wonderful on you, A.J,” I said, smiling at him, noticing the way his silver hair fell into his face in a pleasing manner.

“Ah you mean a jewel for each I’d ever stolen? Imagine how full my coat would be!”

I giggled. “You’d have pearls and rubies, diamonds and emeralds.”

“And I’d be mugged the moment I walked outside.”

I nodded. “Undoubtably.”

Raffles rubbed his chin. “You know, Bunny, speaking of fine, beautiful jewels, there is a grand house I’ve rather had my eye on?”

Whenever he mentioned a house that he had interest in, a shiver ran down my spine, either with excitement or terror, I was never sure which was the stronger force. “Oh yes?”

“Not far, in Earl’s Court actually. The owners have a safe full of wonders, Bunny. Forget the wonders of the world, the real wonders are kept behind a combination in an old lady’s room.”

“And how did you know this exactly?” I said, raising a suspicious eyebrow at him knowing he spent most of the day either pretending to be bad-tempered under the guise of Mr. Maturin, or talking with me at night under the stars. 

“One day last week when I was dreadfully bored, I used those binoculars you got me, Bunny. I was, shall we say, idly glancing across the street into a window which quite carelessly on the behalf of the owners, had been neglected— the curtains undrawn.”

“And you saw into the safe?”

“I did indeed.” He took a sip of his whiskey and waited a moment before continuing as if to savour the drink and the story. “Well, it’s hardly my fault if folk go around allowing me to glance into their windows.”

“Allowing you?”

“The point is, my dear, wonderful Rabbit, that there were rubies, diamonds, everything you just described and more, pretty much shining out, alight like little beacons, calling to me, begging to be stolen.”

“Begging?”

“A crime not to try, my dear chap. In particular there is a rather exquisite pearl I have my eye on. We must get the treasure by hook or by crook, Bunny.”

“Why the urgency?”

“Is it not urgent to need to rescue such beauty before it’s too late?”

“Rescue?”

“To be held in the right hands, Bunny.”

“Alright. When?”

“Whenever you like.”

“Whenever I like?”

“Now. Perhaps, if you like?”

“Now? Raffles how can we possibly go now when we’re not prepared?” I looked at him and he smiled mischievously. “I see. You’re all too prepared, aren’t you?”

“The world is our oyster, Bunny, and in that oyster lies the pearl of my dreams.”

I grinned. “You know, A.J, most people go out at night for the ‘girl of their dreams’ but not you.”

“Heavens no. Come on, let’s get over there.”

“From up here?”

“Quicker than going back inside and risk being seen. Do you know, Bunny, if you walk across to the narrowest part of the next building then it’s possible to jump across to a balcony which is situated perfectly for the right window? And the window fastening is of no bother.”

“And you’ve tested this theory of distance to the balcony, have you?”

“Certainly, I have. In practice, I’m afraid not, but in theory of course. Now just bunny-hop over and I’ll join you.”

“You want me to jump across there?” I blustered as I stood looking at the darkened blackness of the ground below which at night looked like some endless chasm.

“Any person could do it.”

“You want me to go first?”

“I was teasing,” he said, rubbing my arm. “I’ll go first then you follow, then if I should plummet to thy doom then you need not join me.”

“Don’t say that, A.J! Be careful.”

“No anxiety, Bunny, you just see.” With that I watched as he jumped with ease and landed carefully on said balcony on the other side. 

I closed my eyes for a moment and took a deep breath and then I looked first at the drop and then the distance. He was right, it was incredibly narrow, but what if I lost my footing? What if my cape became caught around me? In the glow of a streetlamp on the corner, I could make out Raffles’ figure in the safety of the next building, his arms outstretched waiting for me.

I took another deep breath and leapt to him, landing without too much noise but nearly on top of him as I steadied myself on the floor. I was breathless with relief.

He slapped my back. “What did I tell you, Bunny, practically a hop?”

…

Practically a hop he said and practically five minutes he said and practically no chance of being seen he said but it was an hour before we were out of the house in a nail-biting escape in which we were spotted climbing out of the window and chased by neighbours as we descended down the balconies to the ground.

When we reached the bottom, we had no choice but to run through the dark streets, our capes blowing behind us in the nightly breeze, our hearts pounding with exertion and our breath visible in the cold air. We ditched our capes and masks as soon as we could but I could hear Raffles’ tool kit and the jewels jangling on his person as he ran beside me.

He grabbed my arm and shoved me down a route he knew well, zig-zagging through the backstreets until we arrived in a rather unsavoury part of town. We peered around an old brick wall, watching and listening for signs of still being followed. We’d been running for ages but I still didn’t feel safe and wouldn’t until we were out of sight and back at Earl’s Court which ironically was right next to the original scene of crime.

“What now?” I said with a panic creeping into my voice, believing every footstep on cobblestone was the law. “We can’t go back, there’ll be police swarming about.”

“We wait it out, Bunny.” He turned to look at the street and pulled me along a narrow passageway, navigating the way he seemed to know. It was dirty and unpleasant— a tiny stream of god-knows-what was trickling along the pathway and there was one or two beggars asleep against a wall. All I could do was feel pity for the creatures.

“There’s a public house along here, I think. We shall hide there until it passes.”

“Do you think the neighbours or police got a good look at us?”

“We were wearing masks which we’ve now discarded along with our capes. They shouldn’t suspect.”

As we entered the bar, the smoke hit us immediately as though walking into the Turkish baths but then the smoke cleared away and I spotted Alfie the coster we met that day, sitting by himself at one of the tables. He was still dressed rather dashingly and when he saw us, he smiled a toothy grin and called us over. But I was nervous and told Raffles we shouldn’t risk it.

“A perfect alibi, Bunny,” he reminded me. “Alfie!” he called.

“Why if it aint you two gentlemen from earlier. What are two men like you doing in a place like this with the ‘alf-rats?” He was eyeing us up and down in our fine suits. 

I had no idea what he meant by half-rats but he was a sociable fellow and so we sat down next to him. He looked at me as I ran my tense fingers over my hair and kept looking at the door. Raffles was nudging me under the table.

“Got the morbs, mate?” Alfie asked.

I looked down at myself. “The what?” 

“You down-hearted, squire?” 

“A little, I’m afraid.”

“What you two gents called, like? Can’t keep thinking of you as the Australian and the sweet one?”

Raffles stuck out his hand. “Arthur.”

“Harry,” I said, following Raffles’ lead.

“Pleasure to meet ya, Arthur and ‘arry.” 

I will admit to some excitement over the way he dropped the ‘H’ in the pronunciation of my name. There was something endearing about it. The way he replaced the ‘Th’ in Arthur with an ‘F’ too. It made him seem so charming, so different than the usual types we’d encountered over the years at society functions.

“So, if you don’t mind me askin’, why you two look like you’re ‘iding from the mutton shunters?”

“Mutton shunters?” I asked.

“The police, mate, the police. You two don’t think I’m stupid, do ya?” He looked at Raffles. “Last time I saw ya, you was being wheeled about in a chair, mate. And you’re dressed like dog’s dinners, the both of yous!”

“Ah.” Raffles simply said. “So, you saw through our not-so-clever disguises?”

“And your Australian accent has vanished just like that, ‘ow’s that for magic?”

“Did you follow us?” I spluttered, wondering if he knew everything about us.

“Leave off it, ‘arry, worked it out with me own mince pies. But don’t worry, don’t know what you gents is up t’ but I aint no grass and aint ready to cop a mouse tryin’ to stop ya. But so you know, this pub is like my gaffe. These people ‘ere are me mates and I’ll not ‘ave anyone ‘urt ‘em. So’s you know, if you’re mastermind criminals or murderers or summink, our association ends ‘ere. We’ve all had run-ins with the law, faking a poke in our youth and what not, but I draw the line when it ‘urts people.”

I touched his hand to reassure him and he smiled at me. For the first time I noticed his eyes were a light green with brown speckles in the corners. Raffles saw me looking and I quickly glanced away into the other direction just in time to notice some policemen entering the establishment.

“We’re not those kinds of criminal,” Raffles said to Alfie and I think he believed us.

“Nah, you’re the gentlemanly kind that’s what you are.”

“A.J,” I whispered. “The police.”

“We better be off, Alfie,” Raffles said, quickly shaking our new friend’s hand. “Do you know another way out of here?”

“You better back slang it.”

I was flummoxed but Raffles grabbed my hand. “Do as he says, Bunny. To the back door.”

Alfie followed us to the exit as he kept one eye on the policeman who was working his way through the swarms of punters. “Don’t worry, I’ll keep me sauce-box shut.”

“Thank you, King Alfred the Great!” Raffles said, patting his arm.

Alfie looked at me. “Alfred the Great? I like that. And keep safe, eh ‘arry!”

“You too.” I smiled at him and then took one last look at him before we left and he shut the door.

When we were outside, we were greeted with lashings of rain. Ordinarily it would’ve bothered me but rain was as good a cover as any and it didn’t take long for us to run back to the direction of Earl’s Court, through the puddles, and find a way to our building without being spotted. By now thunder was roaring and lightning blazed the sky as though the heavens were angry with our crime. Despite the weather, we got to the roof with ease and slipped back into our rooms with no-one ever having imagined we’d even left. Aside from our damp clothes and a handful of jewels, we were the same two men who had been sitting on that roof and it was almost as though it had all been a dream, taken back to the days of the Albany era where cares were few and far between and an adventure was always around the corner.

“He made an impression on you,” Raffles noted as we dried ourselves off in the bathroom.

“Who did?”

“Who do you think, Bunny? Our king of the pearly folk, Alfie?”

“Oh. He was a splendid chap.”

“That he was.” Raffles dried his silver hair with a towel and I glimpsed his saddened expression in the mirror.

“Why so glum, A.J? We got the jewels, didn’t we? We had a daring escape? We did everything you love.”

“Never matter,” he said, shaking me off. “I’m tired and must be rested before that fool Theobald wakes us in the morning.”

“If you wish, A.J. Want me to get you anything?”

He laughed softly. “Your company is all I need.”

…

The next day he was still in a melancholy mood or as Aflie would’ve called it he had ‘got the morbs’. Sometimes Raffles was like that, withdrawing into himself after such a high period. I often felt the same, retreating somewhere, needing to recharge after a dangerous evening. But he was in his mood for longer than in recent months and it took me several days to rouse him from his darkness. I recalled him only setting foot outside the flat on one occasion in which he refused to tell me why. 

To cheer his spirits, I took him up to the roof blindfolded on one evening several days afterwards and slipped a jacket upon him as he was blind to the world. He smiled. 

“What are you up to, Bunny? Going to throw me off the building?”

I chuckled. “Don’t tempt me. No, I have a surprise.”

I ripped off the blindfold and he stood staring down at his suit blazer in awe. Covering the material was many of the stolen jewels we’d acquired in recent times— rubies, emeralds, sapphires. The colours sparkled under the stars as he spun around on that rooftop, dancing under the moon.

“I say, what have you been up to?” he said as his fingers caressed a sapphire near the lapel.

“I wanted to make you feel like a king. Alfie’s the pearly king of the market but you’re the king of Earl’s Court.”

“Don’t you mean Pearl’s Court?” He grinned.

“How silly of me, yes, Pearl’s Court. And what a king you make wearing the jewels you steal as mementos of all we’ve shared together.”

“You made this for me?”

“I hardly could ask someone else to do it and obviously you can’t keep it like that, but for tonight, you are a king and I am your loyal subject.”

I bowed before him and then kissed his hand. 

“You’re more than a loyal subject, Bunny, you shall be my Queen.”

“Oh Raffles!” I laughed loudly and playfully hit him. The jewels were barely attached to the item and could fall off onto the roof at any moment but we didn’t care, we were caught in a moment of sheer joy and frivolous abandon and I could have stayed that way for quite some time.

“Sit beside me oh Queen,” he said waving his hand at me. 

I sat beside him as requested and stared at that handsome face. Oh how handsome he was. Oh how nothing had changed. No matter our circumstances or where we lived or what we wore, or what colour his hair was, if we were together, or if we had all the jewels, or none at all, to me— we were rich. Alfie looked the image of the king with pearls that weren’t real pearls, and we were the kings of the court even though our glory days were long passed.

I looked down at his jacket. “You know I couldn’t find the pearl to add to the jacket.”

“Couldn’t you?”

“You’re not worried that it’s missing?”

“Not at all.”

I folded my arms. “Where is it, A.J? Is that where you trotted off to yesterday?”

He chuckled. “Dearest Bunny, how you worry. I exchanged it for money of course. The thrill was in the chase; besides we can get some money for these pieces if we wish.”

“What have you done with the money?”

He smirked. “Let’s just say that a certain pearly king with the dreamy green eyes will have a little more than usual to add to his charity campaign.”

I smiled. “You didn’t? You donated to a charity?”

“You needn’t sound surprised. Alfie did us a great turn so I thought it was only fair to repay the kindness.”

“Of course that was the only reason.”

“Of course it was.”

He put his arm around my shoulder and then I leaned onto his shoulder in return, nestling my head there, feeling such comfort after our eventful week. And there my king and I sat for a while longer, watching as clouds gathered overhead, obscuring those stars that had twinkled so brightly— until at last we felt the evening chill begin to settle, forcing us to favour a bed where we snuggled under the covers and dreamed until morning. My king and I. The King of Pearl’s Court.


	3. Other Things- Turkish Baths

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A frustrated Bunny, a cool as steel Raffles, the Turkish Baths and some unwanted guests.

The steam of the Turkish baths invigorated our naked flesh as we sat there, just we two specimens, towels around our middles, sweating off the cares of the day and enjoying the silence. It was late, and not particularly busy, so I was pleased that I could have some much-needed alone time with Raffles as there was a secret I needed to share with him and I couldn’t possibly wait any longer. The Turkish baths would be the place I bared all in more ways than one.

“A.J? There’s something I need to share with you and it can’t possibly wait any longer.” I’d practiced the sentence in my head but now I was saying it aloud for the first time.

Through the steam, I could make out Raffles’ handsome face looking back at me, his grey-blue eyes gazing directly into mine.

“Share away my dear chap but remember this place isn’t exactly private.”

Did he know what I was going to say? Did he know how I yearned for him?

“We’re alone for the moment.”

“Then unburden yourself, Bunny, let the words flow out. This is a place of relaxation and to remove all the pains that life inflicts on us. Cleanse yourself, purge your body—”

“—Alright, A.J, I understand your meaning.” I wished he’d stop talking about bodies! “What I wanted to say was that…well… we’ve been side by side for a while now.”

“And still are at this moment.” I noticed his eyes were closed.

“A.J, will you look at me?”

“Sorry my dear fellow. If you so wish me too. But all this steam makes me very sleepy.” His eyes sprung open. “Well?”

I tapped my knees with my fingers and glanced upwards. I’d never really noticed the ceiling before or the continued pattern. I could’ve counted all the squares in the time I took to form a sentence. “Well, you see, A.J, I’m a simple chap—”

“—far from it. You’re a complicated, deep little devil of a man.”

“Yes, as may be, but what I’m getting at is that I’m—”

“—Bunny Manders!”

I jumped back in surprise, noticing that we were no longer alone and that none other than my drinking friend Swigger Morrison stood opposite me in a towel, closing the door as he entered with another man I couldn’t make out in the mist.

“And Mr. Raffles! How splendid to see you both! You know my brother Swagger?” He gestured toward a man who looked very much like him. “He’s in town for a wedding.”

Raffles and I took a moment to shake both their hands but I didn’t care a jot that Swigger had a brother called Swagger. He might have had brothers called Swogger or Swegger and I shouldn’t have cared— I wanted to be alone with Raffles! Why wouldn’t everyone leave us alone? why couldn’t I admire the half-naked form of a cricketer in peace?

“The pleasure is ours, isn’t it, Bunny?” Raffles said politely. “You know I wasn’t aware of a Swagger but now I see you enter the room; the swagger is quite prominent.” He laughed and so did both the Morrison brothers who sat down beside us.

“Yes.” I lied, feeling my hot face dripping with sweat. “A pleasure indeed.”

I was tense then as Raffles leaned over and asked me to continue our conversation openly.

“Not now, Raffles,” I said.

“Oh, don’t mind us,” Swigger interrupted. “Carry on with whatever you were saying. You two boys are always thick as thieves. Naughty men I should think,” he said, nudging Swagger. “I told my brother all about you two.”

“You did?” I said with a gulp, imagining all sorts of illegal activity they could refer to.

“Did you?” Raffles said with a grin. He leaned back leisurely, placing his hands behind his head whilst I sat forward, fondling my towel. Any moment I was sure I was going to start rocking back and forth like a madman in an asylum. 

“I did, didn’t I, Swagger?” Swigger said.

“You did indeed, Swigger, and what a story you tell. You two eh?” Swagger said, nudging me in the ribs. “What a pair of rapscallions.”

“Never one without the other,” Swigger said. “Isn’t that right, Raffles?”

“You may well be right. Bunny and I are often as one.”

I was glad the steam hid my grin at that moment. Raffles had said we were one! Now if only these idiotic brothers would leave us be so I could confess my undying love— but no, they just sat there like slabs of meat, their bellies hanging over their towels, their pink flesh sizzling in the warm and their red-faces blistered and rough, their mouths talking and talking; unaware of my urgency. 

And then I started to picture ‘other’ things, better things, things left unsaid, temptations and desires. Raffles’ body was divine as I spied him through the steam. His fine athletic legs were stretched out ahead of him, his manly chest and cricketer’s arms were like a sculpted model in a studio. I shook the images from my thoughts but then I imagined the towel being pulled away from him. One quick tug and I could do it, watch it slip from his middle and reveal the crown jewels I wanted to glimpse. But instead of the jewels of A.J Raffles, there was a phlegmy cough, and I was awoken from my sensual fantasy to the image of Swigger spitting and spluttering into an old handkerchief. 

Raffles too was repulsed, practically heaving into the air as he watched our old friend control his cough after long agonising minutes. It must have been contagious though for no sooner had Swigger controlled his cough that Swagger started and his was worse, his whole body shaking, and he started wheezing and hollering. 

“I say,” Raffles said. “That is nasty. Perhaps you two should head home and get some rest?”

“Perhaps you’re right, Raffles,” Swigger said, helping his brother to his feet. “Maybe we’ll go home and have some whiskey to cure our ills.”

We kept straight faces as we bid them goodnight but as soon as we heard the door close, we both descended into giggles. 

“What on earth was that?” Raffles said. “Most un-romantic.”

“Good lord, I thought they’d never leave.”

Raffles sniffed. “Yes, that’s right,” he said, lying down upon the bench, shuffling slightly closer to me. “You were going to say something?”

“Right.” I spun around to face him but he was already lying face down on his arms. Maybe it was better that he wasn’t looking at me. “A.J?”

“Hmm.” He murmured in relaxation.

“A.J, I’m going to burst if I don’t tell you that…that…I—”

“—love this place.” A man’s voice rung out, a man who was most definitely not Raffles and was definitely not welcome.

Raffles sat up and we were greeted by the sight of Teddy Garland standing quite handsomely in the light.

“Teddy!” Raffles said, suddenly springing to his feet to greet him. “How wonderful.”

“Isn’t it just?” I said, folding my arms and secretly glowering at him. He was a fine fellow, Teddy, but did he really have to interrupt this moment?

“What are you two doing here?” he said, sitting down in between us.

“We always enjoy the steam room at the baths,” Raffles replied. “Might get a massage later too.”

I tried not to start imagining Raffles being massaged or me being massaged by him and I could swear Teddy was looking at me as though he could read my mind, for suddenly he gave me a knowing glance, smiled at Raffles and unexpectedly he said:

“You know, I may get that massage first after all. I’ll leave you two to it.”

To what? What did he mean by that?

I couldn’t think straight as I watched Raffles embrace Teddy and then I shook his hand and as quickly as the man had entered, he had departed and we were quite left alone like I’d been hoping all evening. But suddenly I couldn’t speak. Words would not leave my mouth. I’d waited so long to confess my feelings, my desires, but I’d been interrupted twice and I was beginning to forget how I wanted to say it.

“Bunny?”

“Yes?”

“I would quite like to hear this, whatever it is, at some point.” He was smiling at me.

“And I’d like to deliver it, only I’m struggling to find the words.”

“You a wonderful writer unable to find the words? I don’t believe it.”

“Far easier to write them than say them, A.J.”

“I see. Well, now is your chance to let them spill from you naturally like ink from a pen or a waterfall as it cascades over the rocks.”

“Very well. A.J, I’ve wanted to tell you for the longest time that—”

“— You’re up to something?”

Again, it was not Raffles’ voice that interrupted. It was not Swigger or Swagger or Teddy Garland, it was instead the very unwelcome Scottish Inspector Mackenzie, fully clothed, barking at us from the entrance.

“Inspector Mackenzie!” Raffles said with a grin. “How nice of you to stop by.” He looked Mackenzie up and down. “Though I must say, dear Inspector, you appear to be somewhat overdressed.”

“Never mind that, Mr. Raffles. I’m here for a statement.”

“Now, in the middle of our relaxation? Inspector, Inspector, how very un-gentleman of you.”

“Don’t be facetious, Mr. Raffles. I require you both to come with me.”

I felt hot, and not simply from the steam but the intense fury that was bubbling inside of me like hot molten lava that was about to erupt and flow over the top of a volcano, killing Inspector Mackenzie and the entire population in the process. I was shaking, I was sweating, swaying like a drunk man, livid and angered and frustrated. I stood up and placed my hands on my hips.

“Fine, then we shall leave!” I said in a loud commanding voice. Unbeknownst to me the towel around my middle had slipped to the floor and I was walking toward the door in my full splendid nakedness, having a conversation with myself, muttering and mumbling.

A hand gripped my shoulder tightly. 

“Mr. Manders?” Mackenzie said.

“What is it?”

He pointed down at me. “If you leave this building as you are, I shall have to arrest you for gross indecency.”

I heard Raffles laughing as I glanced down at myself, realising I was exposing everything in that room except the secrets I longed to tell my love. Raffles quickly raced to my side and placed the towel around my middle. I yelped as I felt his strong hands graze my thigh.

“We’ll be along presently, Inspector, do allow us to meet with you fully-clothed, unless of course you prefer us in this way,” Raffles told him.

Mackenzie growled. “Five minutes, Mr. Raffles.” He slammed the door.

“Bunny, are you alright?”

“I’m sorry, A.J, I don’t know what came over me.”

“I think you were wonderful, Bunny. How defiant, exposing yourself to an Inspector. I suppose in your case actions do speak louder than words.”

“But I didn’t get to reveal what I so wanted. I had this whole evening worked out. It was meant to be perfect.”

“Life rarely is my dear Rabbit, but I always find that the not-so-perfect evenings are the best and sometimes they surprise you with their unscripted reveals.”

“We’re about to be questioned by Scotland Yard! That might be too much of a reveal!”

“Indeed, it might, but before we leave, I’ve something to say.”

“What is it, A.J? What else can possibly be said tonight except what I wanted?”

He leaned in close, whispered into my ear. “I love you too. Now come on.”


End file.
